Feedback Foibles
Many people don’t really know how to give feedback or, rather, they don’t quite understand the purpose of providing it.
Something I’ve found is that many people don’t really know how to give feedback or, rather, they don’t quite understand the purpose of providing it.
We bandy about the term “constructive criticism” where we believe our words are more “constructive” than “critical”, but often it would seem that feedback appears to give people the opportunity to position themselves as the smartest in the room.
The Wrong Room
A friend of mine once said: “If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room”.
In many situations I’ve found that people offer “feedback” perhaps for what they believe are good reasons. But, in practice, it can become an opportunity for them to showcase what they perceive to be their own superior knowledge.
Textbook Feedback Purposes
Many years ago, I worked for a company that offered management training in various areas, such as creating vision statements, managing teams, and so on. Feedback was covered under the heading of team management.
Textbook feedback falls under a few headings (usually in a business context, but it translates reasonably well into interpersonal relationships, too):
To Improve Self-Awareness
The self-awareness in this context is relative to the person about whom the feedback is provided. The idea is that the individual will get some idea about how their behaviours are seen by others, and that this, presumably, may lead to personal growth.
To Enhance Communication
This heading refers, ideally, to feedback being just one-half of a two-way street. Ensuring communication both directions can help avoid misunderstandings.
To Aid in Personal Development
Feedback might trigger the recipient to gain new skills and become more effective.
To Foster Common Goals
In relationships, feedback might clarify expectations and provide guidelines on how to move towards shared goals.
To Support Relationships
Textbook feedback is intended to enhance trust and rapport.
To Encourage Positive Change
Feedback is supposed to nudge others towards change and adaptation, which — according to the current zeitgeist — makes people more resilient.
Textbook Feedback Types
According to “best” practices, feedback works in three areas. The first is “appreciation”, where the individual is recognized for good behaviours and their value is showcased. The second area is that of “coaching”, where the individual providing the feedback is giving guidance towards improvement. And finally we have “evaluation”, where performance is assessed in terms of how it compares to standards or goals.
Unicorns of Feedback
All the above goals, purposes, and styles may appear completely noble and not at all self-serving. Yet, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus and unicorns walk among us.
To adhere to the textbook goals and deliver the process in a truly caring manner, one has to be aware of what those goals are and how to stand and deliver.
Often people provide “feedback” and dress it up in the clothing of “constructive criticism”. In reality, though, such an occasion may merely be an opportunity to showcase how much more effective/smart/clever/successful the person providing the insights is as compared to the person being critiqued.
The receiver of the feedback ought — as standard procedure — provide feedback on the process from the standpoint of the recipient. But that is seldom the case. Furthermore, feedback is oftentimes a top-down process, such as in a hierarchical organization, where the power dynamic is inherently imbalanced, so it needs to be handled very skilfully.
Another pitfall is where the feedback is a scanty veil over self-interest on the part of the feedback provider. One can sometimes walk away with the feeling of being deficient in some way, and that improvements should be made for the success and collective well-being of the group or organization; only lip service is provided to the notion that feedback might enhance a person’s individual growth.
What Set Me Off
To explain what drove me to write this particular rant, I recently was the recipient of two bouts of feedback (both unsolicited).
The first was a colleague who sent out a well-meaning group email, where he praised two other female coworkers (actually the only females in what is otherwise a male populated organization) and me. His comments were kindly, but generic; the paragraph cited what a “great job” we were doing and how we were of such “value” to the team.
He did mean well, and knowing him, there was absolutely no patronizing on his part; he meant what he wrote.
Yet, nice as it was, the feedback had no specifics, no goals, not really anything beyond an “atta-girl”. Nice, but an emotional puppy biscuit, rather than something more substantive.
The second episode involved a public posting of feedback pertaining to a presentation I had recently given (for a different organization).
The feedback provider was criticizing (not critiquing) a presentation I had made. I admit that I am not an expert at these presentations, and I admittedly need and welcome advice. The feedback was mostly a criticism arising from a question she had posed during the session that I had not answered to her satisfaction. My answer was something along the lines of “that’s a very good question, but I honestly don’t know the answer”.
That was not what she wanted to hear, and so it became the core of the mostly negative feedback. Frankly, it hurt my feelings.
Should feelings even matter? I would argue, yes, they do. We are all creatures with needs and emotions, and to wound someone because they somehow did not live up to your unstated and unknown expectations is just… well… not nice at all.
Three Gates: Is it True, is it Necessary, and is it Kind?
Before you speak, let your words pass through three gates:
At the first gate, ask yourself “Is it true?”
At the second gate ask, “Is it necessary?”
At the third gate ask, “Is it kind?”
— Rumi
Wise words. I believe that feedback should be tempered with truth, necessity, and — very importantly — kindness.
I think that when feedback is given, we owe the person at the receiving end a full review of our intents, our outcomes and whether it fits through the Three Gates.
Of course, this is just my opinion! You are welcome to provide feedback.
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